The Mad Dogs Do The Top End

Much of what transpired on the Inaugural Mad Dogs Tour to Cairns - for the Great Barrier Reef Masters Games 2015 - is protected by that most solid of embargoes: "what goes on tour, stays on tour". For the sake of the reputation and dignity of several of the 13 mates that travelled together, it is crucial that that be so - for errors of judgement both on and off the field. But there are a few episodes I can describe that can give a sense of such a sensational - albeit character-building - weekend.

We had been seeking to take the Mad Dogs on the road for some time, initially looking at Singapore or Hong Kong but finding the logistics somewhat impractical. Then Sean Garvey stumbled on this little-known Olympics-for-the-middle-aged event in Cairns. He quickly set about what has to be said was a quite extraordinary feat of logistical organisation that on an apples-for-apples comparison rivalled that of D-Day!

1. The Dogs have Landed

We had a punishing schedule that kicked in the moment we landed - only one hour to get to our first game! We picked up our team bus and our designated driver for the weekend - the heroic Brendan Parry - got us to the ground amazingly on time. Immediately we were on the pitch: fielding first. Having flown up full of trepidation that we were embarking on a weekend of sound thrashings, we were initially reassured that we could compete, taking early wickets and keeping a tight field.

The whirlwind nature of our landing meant it took a while for it to sink in that we were in Queensland. Not just Queensland either, Far North Queensland, which I suspect is to Sydney what Alabama is to Manhattan! Our surroundings were beautiful, but within the first hour I was told a couple of the least appropriate jokes I'd ever heard - not to be repeated here. And it must be said, sadly, Martin Luther King would have been disappointed that the colour of someone's skin was often more remarked upon than the contents of their character.

The C-word was in regular use, and I don't mean Cricket, quite often from the Umpire himself. "Rosco" Darcy - who umpired two of our matches - was actually like a Far North Queensland version of his namesake in the Dukes of Hazard ! Outrageously eccentric and idiosyncratic, his draconian interpretation of the rules meant we bled extras - wides and no-balls - all over the place.

But then Barry Lea took the crease. The square-leg umpire quickly informed me that he was an ex-Wallaby and NRL professional but while cricket was only his third sport, he proved fairly proficient at that too and pretty soon began peppering the boundary with our by-now somewhat scruffy bowling.

Nevertheless, despite an early collapse, a late rally for the last wicket from Giles Bourne and Richard Steyn brought the Dogs to within only 10 runs of our target by the twentieth over (although there is considerable disagreement on what that final score actually was).

What became apparent, however, was that you can fly thousands of miles, arrive in a field with a bunch of complete strangers and very quickly become the best of mates based on just a shared love of a game. We've invited the Rovers to Sydney for a re-match and we certainly hope they accept.

2. A Lovely Pair of Coconuts

As we were searching the kit bags for pads and gloves during that first game, we discovered mysterious bags apparently full of straw. A series of "Please Explain" queries to our Social Secretary, Ed Watson, met with zero enlightenment but all was revealed - almost literally - as we met in the hotel lobby to depart for the first evening's tournament entertainment: Tropical Night. We shocked the other hotel guests in the lobby - a group of confused Chinese tourists - as we donned grass skirts, coconut bras, straw hats and Hawaiian Lei-style garlands. This was Ed's concept for a "dramatic entrance".

We were all extremely skeptical initially and it took some persuasion to "fully commit" and lose our

shirts too. However, upon arrival it was quickly clear what a stroke of genius the strategy was. We received a lengthy round of applause from our fellow competitors as we entered the water-side marquee set up for the evening's party and spent much of the evening fielding requests for "selfies". As self-conscious as many of us were the Mad Dogs had quickly assumed legendary status, completely owning the party. This even extended to what turned out to be our only victory of the weekend - the Best-Dressed award for the night (a free round of drinks we so didn't need), presented by our new friend Mr Lea and framed by what had accidentally become our club anthem: "Who let the Dogs out" .

The less said about the rest of the evening...the better (not least because actually I can't remember!)

3. Dawn of The Dark Lord

For me everything about this tour was summed up by the moment I asked Phil Dark, after he pulled opening batsman out of a batting line-up lucky dip for our the 8.30am match the next morning: "when was the last time you faced a ball in a cricket match Phil?" After a thoughtful pause he replied in the kind of grim tone only possible with a monster hangover and no sleep: "I never have".

It was indeed hilarious when he put the second ball of his middle-aged life away for his first ever run; but not nearly as hilarious as when our captain and tour guide was bowled out for his first Golden Duck the very next ball! However, the next few overs yielded not much more to celebrate and our pathetic run-rate and wicket-fall regularity was unavoidably match-losing.. With what turned out to be a duo of 1st Grade batsmen, most of their shots went to the boundary and they passed our meagre score in only 10 overs.

At least we got an extra hour to nurse our hangovers before the next game.

4. The Taming of Atherton

From a cricketing perspective, our proudest hour - and it was only about an hour - was the first hour against Atherton. We were already aware that Atherton were the team to beat and it was clear that their high-standard made them the tournament favourites. "Why are they so good?" we asked; "have you ever been to Atherton? There's nothing else to do" we were told.

They were certainly well practiced and boasted more than just a couple of 1st Grade players. Losing

the toss we were bowling first and our worst nightmares were immediately validated - 35 runs off the first two overs! At this rate, we could be looking at the kind of defeat that makes the local news! But after a controversial coup, newly self-appointed Captain Giles Bourne very quickly took control of the match and with some brilliant bowling from Ed Watson and Richard Steyn wickets quickly began to tumble. Some very embarrassed batsmen started a walk of shame for scores far lower than they were expecting to loud derision from their team-mates. When one of their number 3 batsman was brilliantly caught behind on only 1 by our surprised keeper Keith Saunders, Ed-ged off Ed Watson's bowling, we celebrated the fact that we were actually playing what seemed like "proper cricket".

Sadly all we had done was "tame" Atherton, and despite a consistent standard of some of our best-ever bowling and some committed fielding, they made an impossible 178 - within 100 of which we were pleased to reach with three overs to spare before being bowled out. But while a comprehensive beating, we still felt we competed against accomplished opposition and despite the disparity of the score it is this match that we'll remember as the cricketing highlight of the tour.

After another night out sampling the Cairns night life and another early rise for an 8.30am start, we were all broken men. This reality defined our woeful last performance, of which we have all sworn to never speak. In the final hours of the weekend we were able to enjoy a few hours of relaxation by the pool back at the hotel before boarding our plane. We basked in the FNQ sunshine reflected on those that distinguished themselves:

• Our Debut-Dogs - Brett Lunn, Graham Leslie, Dean Walker and of course Phil Dark - who all gave pride-worthy accounts of themselves

• Tim Carroll who hit the Queensland tarmac running after 2 seasons out injured performing well with both bat and ball

• Richard Steyn who excelled with bat and ball, earning himself the well-deserved "player of the tour" accolade

• Sean Garvey, Ed Watson and Ed Suttle for pulling it all together

• Giles Bourne for his "leadership" and our Number two Wicket Keeper, Keith Saunders

• Brendan Parry, not only for his bus-driving service but also his RM Williams-clad dancing (in joke)

But all thirteen of us brought something to the table helping to make this inaugural Mad Dogs Tour a screaming success, cricketing prowess aside. We're already booking our next adventure - look out Alice Springs in 2016!

More PIctures here, edited on the basis of the WGOTSOT embargo!